A cool, calm place
by Sweet-rush37
Summary: Post JPF just pretend that this season hasn't happened yet. Woody watches a jumper fall from a ledge... Jordan tries to solve a double homicide... how can the two cases be connected and how can it mend Woody and Jordans relationship, or is it too late?
1. Rain

Title: A Cool, Calm place

Author: Jenna Nelson

Ch 1 : Jumping

Summary: Post 'Jump, Push, Fall' Woody finds himself reevaluating his decisions after he talks a jumper off of a ledge. But is his realization too late?

Stone walls, its what Jordan was made of, stone walls. He often sat at his desk, on days such as these, when she came waltzing into Homicide. And he saw the look on her face, every time she saw him, the same expression… pain, fear, grief, relief, tiredness all rolled into one flick of her eyes.

"Your coffee is getting stale Hoyt." Santana said, setting herself next to him gently. She looked at him, as if prying into his thoughts in a vain attempt to get at what he was thinking at that moment, all she had to do was flick her eyes towards the door to see a five foot three frame in six inch heels to tell what his mind was on. "She's not good enough for you." She stated, looking at him with her dark eyes.

"Do you believe that?" he asked with a sigh, leaning back with silent resignation.

"No but apparently you do… its been six months, when are you going to have the courage to speak to her again… hell Hoyt, when will you have the courage to walk past her again?" he didn't speak, only toyed with the quarter sitting on his desk.

"She looks tired." He whispered as an afterthought. Santana looked up at her for a moment then back down at Woody.

"that's to be expected, especially since that barracuda in a suit became her boss, he's running her ragged, keeping her late and all… although that is nothing she isn't used to." She got up from the swivel chair next to Woody and looked down at him, she said nothing but smiled, and somehow he knew what she was thinking. With that she was gone.

"Damn," he whispered to himself as Jordan crossed the room, his eyes met hers for a moment… he still melted at the sight of her whiskey colored eyes, with their chocolate irises, and he knew one thing hadn't changed, they still held a passion he could only dream about. Then after what felt like an eternity of looking into her eyes, she looked down, and pushed her way through the throng of people and disappeared from view.

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"How you feeling Woody?" Lily asked as he slumped through the morgue. He was still careful to not pass Jordan, and subsequently not to pass Nigel or Bug. They had become more close to Jordan in the passed six months, and more protective, he couldn't stop from noticing the glare on Nigel's face when he came in to trace the week before. But no one said anything, because nothing could be said, the damage had been done, and only Woody and Jordan could fix it, with this silent truth, no one spoke of the past six months… the gunshot, the terrible words spoken, the new boss or the old one that they missed so terribly.

"Okay, I guess, my first day not at a desk since I've been back…"

Lily smiled a warm, Lily Lebowski smile and looked into his eyes so deep all he could do was blink "Good to have you back then Woods, see yah."

He moved on, walking down the empty halls, it was late, too late for anyone else to be here, or so he thought.

And there she was, in all her beauty… wearing a v-neck sweater and skin tight jeans, her hair was pulled back into a tight bun, she must have just gotten out of autopsy. He noticed the dark circles that tugged at the soft underbelly of her eyes, the paleness that had crept over her skin.

"Hi…" she whispered, barely audible. He looked down at the floor, his eyes searching for something they would never find.

"Hi…" he returned, she opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't think of anything so she closed it quickly.

"Listen Jordan," he started, but his trusted cell phone screamed out, demanding his attention, reluctantly, he answered it, he could see the plain look of annoyance and relief mixed on Jordan's face as she made a quick exit to her office and slammed the door.

"Hoyt…" it was Santana, he rolled his eyes.

"Yes?"

"you busy?"

he groaned softly "No, perfect timing…"

"Whatever, listen we have a jumper on the Parkway interstate… your taking her."

"Alright, whatever you say."

He turned around to talk to Jordan but she was gone, the door to her office shut tightly, he remained a moment longer, looking at her soft silhouette as she sat at her desk, her face staring firmly ahead of her… "Jordan…please." He said to the door, her head didn't move, just stayed glued in front of her.


	2. Angel's exsistence

Jordan couldn't move, it was like she was glued to her seat. The sound of his voice had paralyzed her, sent shots of guilt running through every nerve of her body sent the small hairs on the back of her neck standing on end. Suddenly all seemed sickeningly quiet through the morgue. She looked down at her files and papers scattered across her desk, and all she saw was words, hundreds of words with no meaning. It was a heady feeling, hearing him say her name, "Jordan" it was a voice that she hadn't heard in so long, but yet, it was a sound she had played over and over in her head.

I said I made up my mind  
To live in memory of the lonesome times  
(Sing a song, children)  
(I can't stop wanting you)  
It's useless to say

She looked over at the picture that sat on her desk idly, the only picture she had of her and Woody together, them standing over a body as they autopsied it, her elbow deep in intestines, Woody half cringing, half smiling as he looked over with disgusted curiosity, his blue eyes lit with some momentary excitement. She had to smile at the mock anger on her face half at Woody for interrupting her autopsy, half at Nigel for sneaking this picture of them, he knew how much she hated to have her picture.

She set the picture down on her desk and sighed, she flicked on the radio softly and had to groan at the song on the radio.

I can't stop loving you)  
I've made up my mind  
To live in memory of the lonesome times  
(I can't stop wanting you)  
It's useless to say  
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday  
(Dreams of yesterday)

She looked at the clock, three a.m. she had time to go home, take a hot shower, get in a good three hours of sleep before she had to get back here to the morgue for her seven a.m. autopsy. But that seemed less appealing now, like she had no reason to go home. She leaned forward and rubbed her temples methodically, hoping it might rid her of the pounding migraine coming on. She looked out her office window and saw Woody climbing into his car. Suddenly she began to regret her decisions to cut off contact with him. She saw how much weight he had lost in the last six months, she saw the luster had left his eyes… she saw the color in his face had turned a pallid white

(I can't stop loving you)  
I've made up my mind  
To live in memories of the lonesome times  
(I can't stop wanting you)  
It's useless to say  
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday

She could see them dancing in the Pouge, her father looking on with a look of happiness and grief on his face. She remembered the smell of him so close, the feeling of safety she had when she leaned her head on his shoulder, her breath hot against the nape of his neck She shook her head as his taillights disappeared around a corner. It was her mistake, she had stood by and watched him slip away, acting no more than a concerned friend after she refused his ring. Maybe if she had taken it she would have been with him now, watching a movie or eating down at the greasy little diner they both loved. But now those all seemed a distant memory she only wanted to forget, and at the same time she couldn't bare the thought of loosing.

(Those happy hours)  
Those happy hours  
(That we once knew)  
That we once knew  
(Tho' long ago)  
Tho' long ago  
(Still make me blue)  
Still ma-a-a-ake me blue

She told herself no one could love her, but that had been a lie, she knew he loved her. She wasn't quite sure how, just that when he walked into her office, his eyes lit up like a firecracker. And the way he talked about her when he thought she wasn't listening was almost nauseating. She couldn't help but smile though, when she thought of him, and it was happening more and more now. She would find herself with a wide grin and a warm feeling in her belly when she saw that picture on her desk, or find three call slips from him when she went out for lunch with Nigel and Bug… the little notes attached would say silly things like "If they call Tuna Fish, Tuna fish then why don't they call meat, meat mammel?" she'd smile and stuff them into her pocket, and that smile wouldn't leave her face for the rest of the afternoon.

_(They say that time)  
They say that time  
(Heals a broken heart)  
Heals a broken heart  
(But time has stood still)  
Time has stood still  
(Since we've been apart)  
Since we've been apart_

Now she couldn't even look at him without seeing betrayal and fear of rejection, a deep fear that had run through her thoughts since she was ten. She saw the look on his face in the hospital when he told her to get out. The mistakes had piled on top of her and made her see that she love him, something that she couldn't face, not just yet, she couldn't come back to that wedge in her heart where he had worked himself in and she couldn't dislodge him no matter how hard she tried, to pry him from her heart would be like trying to pry a crocodiles jaws open, dangerous and difficult. And all that she could do was wait for either the feelings to pass, or live with them locked deep within, like so many secrets she had held inside for so long. It was all a part of Jordan Cavanaugh.

(I can't stop loving you)  
I've made up my mind  
To live in memories of the lonesome times  
(I can't stop wanting you)  
It's useless to say  
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday


	3. Little Girl, be afraid

The girl was young, maybe sixteen, she had thick black hair and blue eyes, her lips were the color of crimson paint. She was too thin, her waist was like a pencil. Her teeth chattered and her lips were tinged with blue from the cold. She looked down at the ocean below her with trepidation. Santana looked at Woody with wide eyes, he looked at her and sucked in a deep lungful of ocean air and moved forward. He had been trained for this, it was simple, talk her out of her suicidal feelings… but somehow, he couldn't move. She looked like Jordan, the shape of her face, her hair was a little darker and her eyes were blue, but her skin was the same olive rich color and her body was the same Popsicle stick shape. He found himself wishing Jordan was there with him now, she always new how to handle these things.

He reluctantly moved forward, Santana stayed firmly in place, watching her partner intently. He rubbed his forehead and walked up to the railing only feet away from the girl, with her body leaning forward over the black water, her white fingers entwined on the cold metal. "Hi…" he whispered, she looked at him startled "My Name is Woody." He said with a disarming smile. She looked bewildered then infuriated.

"Get back, I swear I'll jump!" she screamed, her voice hoarse and full of malice. Her face contorted with rage. Woody took a step back and looked at her cagily, his mind racing with all these thoughts, he didn't leave though, he stayed with her loyally. He looked into her eyes for a moment and saw some flicker of passion, some fervor that was sparkling just under the sadness that traced her eyes. He wanted to just hug her for a moment, hold her and tell her it was alright, she was so young, it shouldn't be this hard for her.

It was a split second decision, he could back out before he got involved, he could just walk away now, looking back with enough regret to fill the grand canyon. He didn't move, just stayed glued to the place where he was. "What's your name?" he asked with a shaky tone to his voice.

"What's it matter?" she said bitterly, swallowing some hidden fury that sloshed around inside of her, deep inside, she peeked down at the water and gave a bitter chuckle and snorted.

"It matters to me… I'd like to know…" she looked at him closely, then down at the ocean, her voice seemed small and tired when she finally answered.

"Emma… Emma Grace Collins…"

"Hi Emma Grace Collins, is it okay if I call yah Emma." He said taking in a deep breath and a step towards her in the same instant. She smiled for a moment.

"Sure…"

Something passed between them at that moment, some flicker of electricity; he knew at that moment that he understood her, everything about her, down to her soul.

"Listen Emma, Why don't you talk to me? I can help…" she looked at him for a long time, then up at the stars that glittered down like little diamonds painted up in the black sky.

"No one can help me…." Woody swallowed hard, he remembered his sixteenth birthday, three weeks later his father was shot to death in cold blood, he couldn't help but think he thought the very same thing that no one could help him, no one cared. She gingerly sat down on the cement railing and kicked her feet out as she stared down at the black ocean, same color as the stars.

"I can… just tell me." She shook her head persistently and looked down at the water.

"It's a bitch huh?" she whispered her voice as quiet as the wind, he looked at her curiously for a moment then whispered.

"What's a bitch?"

She looked up at the stars once more, then back down at him, her cold blue eyes cutting through his sharply. "Life."


	4. Bright lights Whisper Names

It suddenly seemed unnaturally cold, Woody found everything painted in a stiff stillness that washed everything in a contrived white that clouded his thoughts. She looked down at the ocean and swallowed. She looked over the city of Boston, she took in the lights and the noises. The dogs barking, the sirens of the police cars, the boats in the harbor. Woody could see the look on her face, the scars in her eyes.

"How do people do it?" she asked softly, her hair fluttering behind her as a sail.

"Do what?" Woody just wanted to keep her talking, keep her calm.

"Go about their lives without going crazy… I look at other people and I know they have problems… it just seems easier for them, to go about their lives without the hollow sound in their voices… I wish I could do that…"

Woody took in a sharp breath, " I don't know, you know, somedays I feel like I just wanna die, but then I think about all the people who care about me…" Woody felt himself pause… " My Brother, My friends… what about you…"

"My Mom died when I was two and I guess my Dad couldn't handle it so he took off when I was seven… I was raised with my aunt."

"Don't do this, think of your aunt… I don't know her but I'm sure she loves you very much."

At this Emma shook her head, a solitary tear fell down her smudged face. "I can't… I'm so ashamed…" with this she slowly stood, her eyes fixed on the stars above her… small, sparkling dots in the sky, peacefully blinking above her. And suddenly Woody felt like he would cry. She was just a little girl, scared and alone with a hole inside of her the size of a buick. It didn't make sense, this girl should be out at the mall, not standing alone on a bridge, about to end her life. She looked at him with such desperation that all he had inside twisted into a knot.

"Tell me." He persisted softly… she looked out at the waves, sloshing underneath her and after a moment she spoke in a soft, shaky voice.

"Tommy told me he was in love… he promised to always take care of me… Now its been seven months… and I'm pregnant… I told Tommy and… and… Tommy ain't here anymore." She paused, looking at Woody with eyes that looked to be the eyes of age…

"This can be fixed, I promise you… It isn't the end of the world… come down… I promise you, it'll be alright, it isn't the end…" he promised feverently, looking from to Santana who looked down as if she already knew the answer.

"No… It is the end…. " she pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket and handed it slowly to Woody. Who looked at it with trepidition for a moment before taking it with a quivering hand. His heart broke…. A positive HIV test.

Tears were streaming down her face as she held something else in her hand. She lifted a crucifix up bitterly and laughed. "Tommy told me he was in love… give me one good reason why I shouldn't jump tonight." Woody looked down at the paper then up at her and it seemed that all was already said… he couldn't find one reason. With that she simply stepped a little closer to the ledge.

"You see." She whispered throwing the pewter crucifix at him. He didn't reach for it but allowed it to fall at his feet. " I'll always bear my cross." Their eyes locked once last time before she fell, he watched as she disappeared from view, but it was like she was still standing there, looking at him with those crystal blue eyes. Her dark hair swirling around her white face. A hint of a smile on her sad, blue lips. And all he wanted was for her to be safe… maybe she found her peace.

He looked down at his feet and picked up the crucifix. He looked out at the bright lights of the city… and he couldn't turn away, All he wanted was Jordan… he had to find her. He saw the lights… for a moment they blinded him… but only for a moment."I'm sorry... Emma Grace Collins."


	5. Somebody's shadow

Woody looked away from the ocean, beating mercilessly agianst the towering cement and iron beams of the bridge. he turned around to see the dispondent, disappointment filled eyes of Santana looking at him with some distant sadness that fell deep inside of her. "Dear God Hoyt... why couldn't you just tell her something?" He knew she wasn't blaming him, just shocked and awed is all... he responded with a shaky voice... trembling yet calm.

"I couldn't lie to her... I just couldn't." Santana sighed and her body relaxed for a moment as she peeked over the edge silently. A tiny dingy was already below them... looking for the tiny, bony body of a young girl... no more than seventeen. a man leaped backwards from the boat and began to dive down deep into the murky black water.

"Woody, They want you to make a statement down at the precinct..." a young black and white yelled at him from the road... a distant thunder rang out in the distance somewhere just past the city... rain would soon be upoun them.

"Okay... give me a minute alright... just give me a..." his voice trailed off when he saw Jordan, standing in the middle of the road in her coat and scarf, skin tight jeans and silk shirt in a low-cut, lacy style... she had gotten that way since she had started dating that J.D. fellow, or was it J.J.? he had to snort to himself, he had always thought she was beautiful enough in a regular old cotton teeshirt and baggy pajama pants... her makeup was overdone and over the top, as before she would alway wear just enough to exentuate the poutiness of her lips and the arch of her coffee colored eyebrows... he couldn't help but notice that she was a totally different person now.

Her eyes dripped in sympathy... he remembered that much... and he found an old ridgidness enter his bones... he wanted so much to run up and hold her to him but something held him back... his pride.

"Well, Well, Well, look at this Chivato... your cinderella is here with her slipper."

"Shut up Santana..." she chuckled and disappeared behind a sea of blue and red lights.

Jordan was too stubborn to talk to him, he knew that much hadn't changed. He walked steadily over towards her... his palms sweaty and his tounge swollen... God, he cursed in his head. what was it with her that made his so nervous, so distant, so full of himself... why was it when she was around he felt like a fool, stumbled over himself... was it her untainted beauty or the fact she had always been smarter than him? or could it have been the fact he loved her, plain and simple as day?

"Hi..." he whispered nothing else to say. she looked down a pained discomfort in her voice.

"Hi..." he chuckled inwardly at how much she looked like a five year old in trouble for spilling something on a brand new rug... god she was so beautiful, the way her curls fell in her face... the way her eyes looked at some little piece of asphalt dislodged from the street... her hands stuffed in her coat pocket.

"Hows your journalist friend?" he asked without a trace of sarcasam... her eyes darted up, preparing to defend herself, but found that he wasn't being funny, nor malicous... she relaxed a bit and a slight trace of a smile was painted on her tired lips... the sun appeared over the rim of the ocean...

"Good... Good..." now it was his turn to feel uncomfortable

'well at least someone is getting some action around here... the closest thing I've had to a girlfriend in the last two years besides you is that awesome chili cheeseburger from the diner on the corner of commonwealth and second..."

"Oh I forgot how good those chili cheeseburgers were..." she said with almost a whispered with a childish grin... he had fallen into a secure comfort with her and felt himself relaxing... he missed their soft banter.

"Yeah... with the fries?" he said leaning back on his heels nervously, suddenly wanting to keep her talking, keep her there with him.

"Yeah the fries..." she whispered "Do you remember when you fell in the bathroom? you had a bruise the size of a orange on your ass for a month..." she let out a open mouth, full lipped laugh.

"Scared the waitress half to death... it was well worth the pain though... we got free dinner out of it." she smiled and looked him in the eye with warmth for the first time in months... suddenly all the months came rushing back and the uncomfortable silence filled the air. "M... maybe we can catch dinner sometime... I mean, its been a while."

"yeah it has..." she whispered with a trace of dolor in her voice. "I miss our nights in the rain..." she smiled as thunder moaned from above and rain washed down in a rush over everything. "Bye Woods..." she whispered, turned and ran... after a moment he could still she the shadow of where she had stood... her tiny frame, swaying back and forth lightly... a faint trace of her perfume still lingered in the air.

and before he knew it she was only a shadow that was it, nothing more... yet he still felt the warmth of her with him, dancing in the pouge... still heard her laugh as they were comfortably talking in the coffeeshop across the street from his apartment. he still heard the trace of sarcasm in her voice with every smart ass comment she snipped out when he asked her a stupid question. He suddenly felt so sad and ashamed of what he had done... he had betrayed her... Jordan Elizabeth Cavanaugh... his friend. He had taken something he would never get back... her trust... once that was lost with Jordan it was gone... nothing else need to be said.

"Dear God Hoyt... was that a conversation with Jordan 'commitment issues' Cavanaugh?" Santana said with her dry wit.

"Its Over... there isn't anything I can do... its all my fault." he whispered somberly

"Well yeah Chivato, with that attitude you'll get nowhere!" she shouted at him. "You didn't see that silly little grin all over her face when she was talking to you? it was nauseating... Go get her you asshole!"

"you think I'll have a chance over that J.D kid... and you know since macy's been back every stares at me with daggers in their eyes..."

"I think it will take some time and a hole lot of prayer but I think you can do it... she loves you like a crazy fool Hoyt... that ain't something you throw away too soon."

She looked up from her pad of paper to see Woody running toward his car... she smiled, and walked away... whistling to herself softly "I am sooooo good." she muttered as she got into her car and drove away.


	6. Strangers

Jordan looked into her mirror and sighed, it seemed like so long ago... the fear she felt rise up in her throat... the sound of a gunshot rang in her mind when she was deep in a crevece of sleep and couldn't control it... the look on his face when he told her to get out of his hospital room, the iciness in his voice... the bitterness. She didn't think about him that much anymore, or so she told herself. she would go through her days in a quiet haze, autopsy after autopsy... day after day. A little bit at a time... but today it was different, something was different in his eyes, some silent absoultion for what could have never become of them. She looked in the mirror, foggy with steam... she exsamined the dark, rich circles that plauged her eyes and how her ribs jutted out harshly against her olive skin. She had become so thin and distant... not sleeping for days, only eating when someone was watching... her nights were spent eating take out on the couch or walking the Boston street and night... She didn't want to lie to Woody but she couldn't help it J.D. had left for New York, he got a job with the tribune and had left without another word... she didn't want him to know that this man that she had stumbled into bed with had left without so much as a phone call... it was a part of her life that she had gotten used too... the leaving part... it hurt so much more than the trusting part.

She sighed and climbed into her pajama's, her eyes dark with tiredness and a quiet rage she kept deep inside of her. She climbed into the covers and turned on the TV and flicked through the channels at a mile a minute after a while she turned it off... nothing new or happy on so she turned off the light and sighed with a great drowsiness she could feel licking her bones and heavying her eyes. she looked down at her nightstand, the picture of her and Woody sat next to a picture of her mother... she wished she could go back in time to that ten year old... so innocent and sweet, right before that hand reached out and grabbed her, drug her down to this dark place where she's lived her entire life. a darkness that never seemed to end... then when she finally stood up... saw the gray fading to dawn... she pulled back, the light was unfamilar... and scary, she was still that little girl inside... all she wanted was her mom to come back, even for a moment and tell her it would all be okay... but that voice never came, so she closed her eyes and willed sleep to come, shutting the lights out completely.

The morning was bright and sunny, the rain being sopped up by the light and sun... it was surely the most beautiful day of the year. Jordan awoke with sunlight playing on her face like water. she groaned and leaned over to see a bright neon 9:00 staring back at her "Shit!" she shriek before realizing it was saturday... her day off... her most dreaded day of the week. She stumbled out of bed and started the coffeepot.

It was just another day to get through... just one more day.

an hour later she was showered, dressed and ready to go out into the world... but she had no where to go... she let out a sigh and set herself heavily on the futon. Her face done up and her boots on. She put her face in her hands but didn't cry... just relived the silence throughout her house.

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Woody looked at his hands, rough and calloused with time and work. He held a glass of water to his lips and winced as the pill slid down his gullet... he had been on Prozac for years... he spoke of it with no one except his brother and they didn't even speak anymore so it didn't really matter. he fingered his scar absentmindedly as he thought. he stretched and fell back onto the sofa... it was awhile since he had taken a sweeping look at his apartment... barren and cold, so far from what he was used to... there wasn't a picture on the wall, there wasn't a speck of dust, not a familar thing.

he leaned back and closed his eyes letting the sun immerse him in buttery sunlight. It was warm on his bare chest and face. For a moment he allowed his thoughts to wander and suddenly he was thinking of her, the look of fright and embarrassment would be forever locked on her face in his mind... Emma, Emma Grace Collins... he couldn't shake her out of his memory. her soft, dark hair and white skin like milk... the way her eyes held a lingering sadness and a bitterness at the world, yet they also held a tireless curiousity and a hunger for life he could see it right below that heartache... she was still a little girl. Suddenly her face shifted and there was Jordan, standing where that girl once stood... a smile faint on her lips... holding out her hands and leaning backwards , tumbling towards that black water, that dark merciless water.

"Jordan!" he hadn't known he had fallen asleep, but then again who does know when they fall asleep. He had drifted into a coma and awoken in his apartment safe and sound. "Jordan..." he whispered once more, hope held him paralyzed, maybe then she would come, if he willed her too, she would be there with him for a moment...

Stupid, Stupid Woody... he had tried that before... the whole night before he had spent staring at her window... as she turned on her TV, turned it off again... drifted to sleep until the light of the morning seeped through the black of the day he had held a silent vigil out front of her apartment... staring up at her and her world, a place he had no longer had a place... Santana was wrong, it didn't matter if he apologized a millon times and gave her the world... they could never go back to what they were before. It was water under the bridge... the light had gone out long ago on what could have been. it was over now and it was his fault, she had meant every word she had whispered in his ear... he just couldn't see through the fog of his pride.

They were all leaving, slowly, there was talk of Bug transferring, of Nigel going back to England. Lily was talking about going to New York... they all moved about in a quiet sadness, they were all moving on... no one wanted to admit it but they were dissolving, their family was seperating and moving like oil and water.

"Great." he whispered to himself as he got up and took a beer from his fridge... it was going to be a long day.,

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Jordan walked along in the sunlight of the morning. she walked along taking in the beauty of the park, her eyes scanning the greeen trees and the birds in the clear sky. The skyscrapers and the rollerbladers. She loved to come to this park when she was younger.. to watch the old ladies feed the birds as their husbands played chess and laughed at whatever witty thing the sportscaster had said on the radio... it seemed to be a simpler time in a different world... that world had been gone for a long time, no one wanted to admt it though. She found herself skipping, of all things, skipping, like a little girl. She twirled once and held out her arms, she lifted her face to the sky and watched the leaves tumble towards the ground all around her. People around her stopped and stared, some smiled with sincerity a few snorted with distain but most grinned and walked on, leaving her behind in her momentairy glee... to bask in the warm autumn sun and the colors dribbling all around her, mixing together and blending in front of her... she loved it all, the warmth on her face and the tiredness disappeared for a moment. She stopped and waited while her head leveled out. Suddenly she realized where she was... the front of Woody's building. She swallowed and looked down... should she?

Before she could stop herself she was sitting indian style on the ground out front of his apartment. He opened the door with anger at the intrusion. when he saw who it was sitting indian style on the ground in front of his apartment with a innocent and childlike expression on her face he softened. "Jo, what are you doing here?" he asked with trepiditon at the girlish smile on her face.

"Sittin'" she said with a little giggle "wanna sit with me." she said a little softer.

'Sittin'" he repeated catiously "Jordan are you high, you never just sit."

Her expression of happiness faded "Well maybe that's my problem, I never just sit anymore... why don't you just sit next to me for a while."

"Did you hit your head?"

"You know what Never mind." she said with a huff and got up, she began to walk away with a annoyed look on her face.

"Jordan wait." he said, almost a whisper. "I didn't mean it like that, its just this isn't like you, I thought you hated me... I know in the past six months I have."

"I have a right to hate you don't I?" she asked standing in the silence, the vaccum of regret seemed like a caynon between them.

"I think you do..." woody began, his eyes falling to the floor. "I have problems Jo, and while I know that is no excuse... I can't help but wonder that If you know that I'm getting help. Maybe we can take it a day at a time you know... become friends again." He caught himself quickly. "I know it would take a while... but I am willing to make the effort."

She stood there for the longest time, letting his voice sink into every pore, every muscle, every thought. "I have to think about it... but maybe until then we could get something to eat... maybe a little chili cheeseburger?"

He smiled wide "Sounds great, let me get my jacket." he said, and with that they were gone... walking down the street... disappearing in the crowd of faceless people on the street... two friends who were strangers at the same time.


	7. Let Me In

"Morning Jordan... Pleasant nap?" Nigel quipped as he waltzed into Jordan's office. She grumbled and sat up, wiping a bit of drool from her cheek. "What's so bad about sleeping in your apartment?"

She ignored his backhanded comment and took the Egg Mcmuffin hanging from his long fingers. "None of your Buisness." she snapped. "I just haven't wanted to go home lately." she took a huge bite from the side of the sandwich, her mouth full. Nigel grimaced.

"Ugh, here love, use a napkin."

"Thanks." She muttered her mouth full.

"What have we got?" she asked, pick up a file that she had been lying on and wiping the salvia and mascara from it.

"Apparently a pillow... thank god nothing ever came of us love, your not so cute in the morning." she rolled her eyes and gave him a shot of the inside of her mouth, bits of food and all. "Gross, a Domestic Violence case in Cambridge... a mother shot and killed along with her four year old little girl... Woody's the responding Detective." he whispered the last part, but to his surprise she jumped right up.

"Great, could you call ahead and tell him that I'll be right there?" Nigel looked at her bewilderedly.

"Um, yeah sure... don't you want to pass the case over to me or Bug or Sidney?"

"No...Why?" she asked with a shrug.

"Because you hate Woody... told everyone in the department he was dying of some exotic form of malaria... slit the tires of his car... left nasty messages at the precinct... any of this ring-ringing a bell?"

"You know Saturday we really got to talking... I think I want to be friends with him again... life's too short to hold grudges." with that she walked out... leaving Nigel puzzled behind her... a half eaten egg Mcmuffin sitting discarded on her desk.

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The crime scene was chaotic as usual. And suddenly Jordan felt an old peace coming over her, Woody held up the crime scene tape. Garrett was talking to the press. Bug was taking pictures... maybe things were starting to go back to normal again, that was something she craved, commonplaceness... something she could go home to.

"Hi yah Jordan..." Woody started, his face somber "I have to warn you first off this is a hard case... a really, really, really, really hard case." his face was ashen and angry. Jordan breathed in and walked into the house, not quite prepared for the sight she was about to see.

The house was covered in blood. The crimson tide spilled all over the white walls; fairly glowing in the early day's light... she sighed and followed the bloody footprints into the kitchen where she nearly fainted. Suddenly images and still frames ran past her in bloody images... god, it was too much. This dark haired woman lying sprawled out on the floor, her hair matted with blood, her face smeared red... her eyes staring sightlessly at the ceiling, clouded over and dull. She turned like she was going to run... her legs gave beneath her and suddenly she was in Woody's arms.

"Easy... Easy Jordan... I told you... Jesus." Woody consoled "You haven't even seen the worst part yet..." he petted her hair and let her into Garrett's waiting arms. She swallowed hard and stood on wobbly legs.

"Where is the little girl?"

"Jamy Monroe... four years old was found in the broom closet of her kitchen shot to death." Woody said, his skin white and sticky like pancake batter. Jordan moved for the closet... not looking at the dark haired woman lying on the floor. "Jo, I wouldn't... please have Garrett or Bug does it... Please." he begged as her hand rested on the door handle.

"Woody." she said matter-of-factly, "Shut up."

The little girl was more beautiful than Jordan had expected. Her multi-blonde curls were in her face and her snow-white skin was smudged with blood. Jordan covered her mouth with her slender hand and stooped in the tiny space. She was beautiful in every way... she was in tiny little overalls and a red tee shirt. Her little hands were limp and a bit damp. "Can we get some swabs in here please?" Jordan asked, her voice cracking slightly. Garrett and Woody shared a look. Bug handed her the swabs wordlessly.

Jordan picked up the little girls chubby hand and saw her little white palms dotted with little drops of blood dried black. She fell to the ground, a tear running down her cheek. "Jordan." Woody said softly, reaching out to her, she allowed him to lift her up and take her to his chest. She sobbed silently into his chest. "Come on, we'll get you home... two M.E's are enough for one case anyways."

She didn't put up a fight for once in her life. She let him drive her home, walk her up her stairs and unlock her door. He paused there.

"Get some sleep please..." he whispered, wiping a stray strand of hair from her face. She nodded

Just as he was about to leave he heard her mutter something. "What?" he asked, walking towards her door again?

"I said, how could someone do that? to a little girl, she never did anything to him... she never hurt anybody who would kill her?" she looked down at the floor and back up at him, suddenly she was aware of everything they had been through, that old feeling of suspicion entered and he saw it in her eyes as she backed away from him.

"Jo, don't go away okay... sick people do sick things... it's a part of the world, you should no that better than anyone right?"

"Who would do that to her?" she whispered again this time he didn't know if she meant the little girl or her mother.

"I don't know Jordan, I don't know... that's why we are here, to find out who would do something so evil... right?" he whispered, feeling her wariness radiating off of her.

"I'm going to go inside now, okay Detective." she said coldly "I'd like to be alone."

It was the iciness in her tone that caught him off guard. "Wait a minute... Jordan, I thought we were starting to be friends again... I thought at least we were starting fresh, while I know it'll take time ... you have to let me in... I know it isn't easy to forgive... believe me I know... but please, just open up a little." he begged, the last sentence was a faint whisper.

"Good night Woody," she said kissing his cheek faintly and shutting the door behind her... in all retrospects. Woody lingered a moment, knowing it was his fault all along but not being able to admit it. He rested his head against her blood red door and sighed.

"Jordan, Let me in... Please..." when no answer came he turned and walked away, hands in his pockets and his blue eyes the color of faded denim staring at the floor, caked with mud... it was too late, she was gone.

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	8. TV dinners and Church doors

Note: There is some talk of God and faith and stuff in this chapter, and I know not everyone believes the same stuff, so if you find anything with God or anything offensive I wouldn't read this but I did try and make it neutral.

Thanks: Jenna

Jordan went home that night at five thirty, four hours earlier than usual. She drove home without the radio on. She climbed up the stairs with a drag in her step and a heaviness in her steps… she stuck her key in the door and turned it without thinking. She dropped her purse and her keys on the kitchen table… she leaned against the blood red door and slid down it… the sun was a sweet rose, the same color as pink lemonade. She let it wash her in its innocence. She closed her eyes as that little girl's face stain her thoughts… the way the blood dried in her hair… "Oh God…" she whispered, her chin quivered and she bit back sobs…

She didn't know how long she was sitting there, on her floor, with her face in her hands… but when she looked up, the night was upon her and the sun had disappeared from the sky and it was all dark in her house. She felt around and flicked on a light… she squinted and sighed. Her house was empty and lonely… she walked to her window and stared out at the city, somehow she felt so isolated and alone in this big old city… She could feel the chill in the air and huddled closer to herself for warmth. That little girl should have been out walking the city with her mother, her eyes big with wonder at the sight of the beautiful lights all different colors and brightness… was this that little girls destiny? To be laying on a cold, bare slab in a city morgue, no one left to claim her body… until finally she is laid to rest in a potter's field, and she becomes just a name on a cross, nothing more.

She pulled out a frozen dinner and sat down to watch TV, nothing was on… so she just lay on her futon with a half frozen Salisbury steak… This had become her routine. She listened to a car honk and a dog bark… she listened to her clock chime the hours away… she listened to her heartbeat ricochet against her skin. It was almost like she could feel that little girls hands against hers…

"Come on Mommy… hurry."

There she was, skipping along, with a large hand in hers, all wrapped up and mitten clad. Something was wrong… something was missing, or was it the lack of something missing…

Her dark eyes looked up… It couldn't be.

"I'm coming baby… don't worry we're not going to be late." Her dark hair was rich and sweet and long around her tiny face… her eyes were glistening in the winter cold. Her cheeks were rosy and… Alive.

"Mommy?"

"You don't have to run baby… we'll get there in our own sweet time." She whispered.

Jordan woke up with a start… she could still feel the snowflakes in her hair and the bite of the wind on her nose… but it wasn't true… it was just a dream. She leaned back against her pillow and rolled over, burying her face in her pillow to soften her sobs.

"Mommy, I'm still running…" She whispered in-between sobs.

She got up and made some tea… she dressed in her warmest clothes, her red jacket, black gloves and a black scarf. She grabbed her purse but left her keys… she walked down the stairs, heaviness to her steps and an uncertainty in her eyes. She wandered out to the street, not knowing where she was going or why… she wandered down empty streets and desolate alleys. Until she was standing out front of a church… she didn't know why that church looked familiar, it just did… she walked up to the worn, heavy doors and opened them… she drifted in-between the pews until she reached the alter, she knelt there for a long moment… not feeling time move past her in waves… she didn't feel cold or lonely or lost… she felt a bitterness but that was it. She lived in that bitterness and let it fold over her.

"My child are you lost?" a voice boomed from the back of the church. She looked up startled at the woolen robe clad man it the back. She felt hot tears on her cheeks, funny; she thought to herself, she hadn't known she was crying. He stepped towards her and it seemed that step he engulfed the rest of the way… and he was suddenly right next to her, his hand on her shoulder.

"I've been lost for a long time…" she whispered… "Help me find my way father?" it was said as a question not a statement. He helped her up and sat her down on the nearest pew.

"I will do everything in my power." She looked into the tattered eyes of the old man and trusted him fully.

"Okay…" and she talked to him tell sunrise… she told him of her mother and her faith… she told him of her past and her job and her friends… and she talked mostly of Woody, to her surprise, their history… their confrontation… his bullet, everything. He was silent for a long time after she was finished.

"The answers are all inside of you, my child… God is here with you, can you feel it?" he waited for her to answer.

"No father… I can't feel him… he isn't here." She said with a sad groan after a few moments he spoke again.

"Can you feel the air… I mean, can you stick your hand out and touch it and feel it with your fingers?"

"No" she whispered

"No, hmmm… do you know its there?"

"Yes Father… Its there… how else would we breathe?"

"Exactly." He stated with determination "Without God… how else would we live?" he raised his bushy eyebrows at her. And she looked down at the ground.

"But why in the world, if a god is so mighty, would he not show himself to the world… I know if I was almighty I would flaunt."

"The greatest gift god could give us… free will, he wants us to be our own people… if he was to do that, there would be no need for faith… and proof is for the weak of faith isn't it my child?"

She nodded and let his words seep into her pours. "This Detective Hoyt?" he said after a moment. She looked up startled by his name. "He sounds like a fellow who is trying to get back onto his path… a path we all stray at times… none more so than I… but if you just open up the door to your heart a bit and let someone in… you might find yourself finding a soothing that it seems your heart has needed for a long time."

She stood and held out her hand for him to shake… he ignored it and took her shoulders, looking into her eyes. "Go with God my child… wherever he might lead you… it has to be better than this place you live now…" she backed away slowly

When she walked out into the street and found the sweet green of dawn. She realized she had nowhere to go… she looked left, then right… she closed her eyes and lifted her face to the heavens and waited to find a direction… she found herself walking… and walking… and walking… before she knew it she was at Woody's apartment.

She didn't go up, she didn't move from the front of his stoop, she just stared up at his window with a quiet hunger and a anger at him for all he had done, all she had done. She looked on as the morning glistened on his window pane. She sat on his steps and tried to piece together her puzzle, deep in heart… she couldn't find the missing piece… so she figured it was gone for good, and walked home.

She fell asleep three hours later, clean and bathed… she slept and hoped that she would find a place to go where mommies and daughters walked through the streets on Sunday mornings all wrapped up in coats and scarves, heading to mass with happiness living and breathing all around them.


	9. Living with rooftops

Jordan never spoke of her midnight walk and her talk of God to anyone, especially Woody.

She realized when she saw Woody the next day; she had nothing to say to him. So she kept walking down the empty corridor. "Jordan!" he yelled down the hall, struggling to catch up. "Jordan." He stated with more anger than before. He grabbed her arm gently pushing her to the side "Jordan Stop."

She looked him in the eyes and stopped walking. "What is the matter? Talk to me please."

She groaned and stared at him for a moment. He could see the sadness in her eyes, the dark circles and the sleep still crusting her chocolate eyes. "What?" she whispered after a moment.

"Stop this NOW, stop playing games and tell me what is wrong." He said it flat out… he was tired of the dance. The dance was what got them in trouble in the first place.

"What is the matter?" she spit out bitterly, "What's the matter?" she flung up the file she was holding, papers strewn out all around them, fluttering to the ground. "I'll tell you what's the matter… when I was ten years old my mother was murdered, when I was twelve my best friend turned around behind my back and told everyone in school I was a slut… when I was…" she broke her speech for a moment to look at his eyes but she remained callous "When I was fifteen I wasn't invited to the only party that I ever wanted to go to in my entire life…" she turned and fluttered away, he didn't even see her leave.

Before she knew it he was standing in her office, her file and papers in hand. He set them on her desk gingerly. "I saw you out front of my apartment last night… was there something that you wanted to tell me?" he asked softly. She didn't turn to face him, but she nodded, staring out the window. She heard him sit down on her couch. "What was it?"

"I once saw a dog on the side of the road… it was all mangled and hurt… I wanted to pick it up and carry it somewhere good, better than where it was at that minute… but I couldn't because it disappeared to fast." She whispered the ending, living in her memories for a minute… "I was thirteen." She added as an afterthought . "See it was stupid… that's why I didn't come up."

"I don't think its stupid Jo… I thinks its you… I think all of it is you, and the way you are… Jordan, I know this is hard to believe, but I love you… for all of it."

"Why?" she asked with a childlike softness in her voice.

"Because when I was sad, and hurt and alone, and scared, I looked up and I saw you standing there… I never needed anything else."

She looked at him and smiled. "Have you talked to your brother lately?" she asked, the force of the question caught him off guard.

"What?"

"Your brother? Have you talked to him lately?"

"Last I heard he was in Kewaunee…working as a mechanic for an automotive repair shop."

She paused for a moment and looked at him "is that good?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"He can do whatever he wants now, I don't care."

"Don't be bitter Woody." She said

"What the hell is it with you lately; you're like the queen of bitterness."

"I know…" she said softly "I know."

After a long moment he stared at her. "Come with me…" he whispered, grabbing her hand. He held it warmly and led her through the halls, past Nigel and Garret as they showed up to work, coffees in hand. They stared in bewilderment as the elevator doors closed behind them.

"Look at the city at dawn." He whispered in her ear… as they reached the roof.

"What about it I see it all the time?" she asked sitting on the ground.

"Look at the colors." He continued "The purple and the green and the pink."

"Yeah its beautiful." She said standing and joining him.

"Yeah…beautiful." He whispered back, staring into her eyes entranced. "Jo, talk to me." He pleaded. He looked at her, how much she resembled a doe, soft and kind, yet the outside was tinged with a brokenness. She played dumb and that frustrated him

"Talk about what Woody?" she said innocently

"Stop playing dumb Jo, it doesn't fit you… talk to me about how you feel right now."

She stopped and thought for a long moment. "I feel sad." She mumbled, and looked out at the city.

"I feel like at any moment the world is going to crumble around me and that I'll be the only thing left standing."

She looked at him and she saw that he was almost in tears. "That meant so much to me Jordan, you have no idea…"

"Now you, talk to me." She stammered, holding his hand… thankful for the silence.

"Sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard to look into your eyes." He paused catching his breath, but before he could start again she had caught his lips to hers, a kiss, but not a kiss of love, nor of friendship, but of passion and comfort, it was for only a moment, then it was gone.

"Woody Hoyt run with me… please…" she whispered, tears draining from her eyes… he removed her coat… "Promise…"

"I promise…" he stuttered, kissing her again and again down her cheeks and neck, and pulling her into his lap. She sat there for so long… just laying against him, crying into his chest, her coat and scarf removed… his jacket off and tie loosened. He held her tight and listened to her sobs finally die into a gentle hiccup.

"There has never been another girl quite like you, ever." He whispered into her hair, straight and dark as a raven's wing. "And here we are, on the roof of the morgue… we have a choice Jordan… if fight or flight…" he held her there and wouldn't let her go. "I'm not letting you leave… your not a dog Jo, your beautiful and smart and funny and broken, let me in… let me try to fix you."

She was quiet and finally got up, wiping her eyes and sniffling. She stared down at him. "I feel like I've come undone…" she whispered, "you've always had that effect on me Woody Hoyt." He said nothing, just stood and took her hand, leading her away from the roof and the noise of the fans and the sky painted pink and purple and green.

He could almost hear the angels around them whispering something strange and beautiful… How long it had taken for them to get to this place… and here they were, in church sleeping with voodoo dolls. Sitting on the edge of a world where nothing was the same and nothing was familiar… he had to wonder how long it would take to mend all the hurt and the brokenness in their lives… how long until he lost her again.


End file.
